1. That time I didn’t talk to anyone about anything and then exploded over text
I met this guy and then a few months later, had to leave for a few months. Little did I know how little I meant, because the first thing he’s said to me three months later is whether I would be interested in a threesome, cause his girl wants a third. I basically flipped shit at him over text messaging. His last text was along the lines of “you were super special, I’ll never forget you.” He was a sex addict.
2. That time I smoked $30 worth of weed in one sitting
I didn’t have cigarettes so I was chain weed smoked in an attempt of getting over two boys, which in some weird mathematical world adds up to one functional relationship…right? One of them was my best friend and involved a sex marathon.
3. That time I came over to my best friend’s house and just cried
My boyfriend made me cry by accusing me of seeing other men. The next day I broke up with him. I went to my best friend’s house and cried about everything, mainly because there was some drama between the three of us. Then I started seeing other men, one of whom, incidentally, was my best friend again (who lives in a different city).
4. That time I watched Woody Allan movies every day
After breaking up with my part-time lover full-time asshole I took advantage of the Woody Allan festival at the neighborhood cinema and sat in empty dark theaters watching Woody get fucked by life in the ass, with the general message being, life sucks for everyone. It made me feel genuinely better when he didn’t find no true love neither.
5. That time I hooked up with someone else 12 hours later
Sometimes I do relationships faster than Britney Spears. The morning I broke up with my man was the morning of the day I had a first date with someone else. Basically, let me change and freshen up and I’m ready to go
6. That time I wrote a ton of shitty poetry and drank liters of shitty wine and stared at the ceiling for a long time
Every time. In fact, I don’t even need to break up with anyone for that. I’m a sensitive soul you guys. I also tend to do that sliding-down-the-walls in wailing thing, and that would scare the shit out of my cat. I miss my cat. Pussy makes everything better.
7. That time I had to tell myself he kinda died, so I didn’t have to
My first boyfriend went back to wherever he was from, and then to Iraq, because he was a military captain, and I was like, “Look baby doll, the boy is dead, ok. Unfortunate, but he doesn’t exist anymore.” Except he does, and we have existential discussions every once in a while. I think he’s going through his mid-life crisis, and even his blond long-legged biologist girlfriend can’t console him. I realize I am difficult to replace.