I’m tired of talking to myself, so I’m gonna put my thoughts in a bullet point formatted waterfall. 

• my head hurts…more coffee?
• do you really want to get up, go to the kitchen through the ass-freezing hallway and wait for the water to boil…and then you have to wash the cups otherwise
• so what, i just sit here?
• well…you could paint
• but my head hurts
• but you’re mentally prepared to paint
• i’m mentally prepared to go on a bloody rampage of revenge, but that’s hardly an invitation, now is it
• the morning was so productive
• of course the morning is productive, when the main things on your to-do list is wake up, have breakfast, format a 12-slide presentation
• I dreamt of Pushkin today, and woke up much more serene than last night, when I dreamt I was backstage with the Weeknd, Jay-Z and Snoop Dog, wearing a skanky hot pink mini and getting my ass slapped every once in a while. Then people started vomiting and dying and it was scary and urgh
• so…coffee?
• why i am always so cold? i can’t feel my hands
• i need to email my landlord
• i wonder if mother’s day chocolates are on sale
• no wonder i will always be fat. actually, no, no wonder i will always be eating chocolate
• i think, inna, and the jury share this opinion, you may just need a good forking to get your head back on straight
• the jury’s opinion is appreciated. i will shove it where the light don’t shine, along with half of all other suggestions i ever make to myself
• coffee? coffee
• and painting? sure, till 3 or so. then let’s go into town, and then gym/wall-climbing
• are you ready to end up on your ass tonight? yeah wall-climbing!

Plan of action:

• forget about him for now. there is nothing you can do from here anyway
• focus on now. focus on seeing new places. make an effort to meet new people
• work on yourself. finish your deck. run more. take up a new hobby
• volunteer
• write more
• take more pictures of people and places
• smile more
• send him postcards
• make breathing look effortless
• focus on yourself, what you want and what you deserve
• have some fun with it
• see if you still want him at the end of this
• probably not
• chill

1. Watching Justin Trudeau videos with you
2. Reading Cohen’s poetry with you
3. Morning blow jobs
4. Listening to you preach
5. The way you put burning cigarettes in your pockets and they leave holes
6. The way you treat my cat (my animal-cat)
7. Your hands
8. The way you adore your niece
9. The awkward way you say goodbye
10. Kissing you as if I have a feeble hope of making you stay
11. The way you watch me
12. The fact that you actually write in the journal I gave you. Even though it’s about fucking other women
13. Lying to you

1. I should not have inside jokes with my boss
2. Way too many people know where I live
3. My cat is the only thing I love in the world and fuck the rest, I think
4. If I get through tonight, I can do anything
5. Here goes
6. Fuck

1. Cellulite-be-gone
2. Creep repellent
3. Drink magnet
4. Chocolate Zero (real taste, 0 calories)
5. Temporary Breast Inflator
6. Instant-Dry Nail Polish (like, actually)
7. Stretch Mark Eraser
8. Hangover-be-gone
9. Plan B Boyfriend
10. Spray-on Charm

I am in serious need of something to do here for 4 months. Help?

1. I can’t work
2. I can’t write
3. I walk about like a shadow
4. I think about you all the fucking time and it’s exhausting
5. I can’t look at you
6. I can’t talk to you without blushing/looking away
7. You’re scared and it pisses me off
8. You won’t own up to what we did and it pisses me off
9. You don’t want me and it pisses me off
10. I don’t really want you and it makes me sad
11. All I want is just one more puff of you. One more of those hugs of yours. Just tell me we’re OK. Tell me we can be just the way we were. Like summer. Light and flirty and fun. Not this. This is too damp, too dark, too cold. This is like November.
12. I want to kiss you. I wake up, wanting to kiss you. 

Junk Food Sex: casual sex with people you are more or less acquainted with. Doesn’t do much good or bad to you, but excess may cause some difficulties.

Pros:

• You don’t have to be a good gf/bf/fuck buddy. You don’t even have to be a good person. In other words, morals go on the shelf
• Awkward mornings are better than lonely nights
• Excuse to purchase items you don’t really need - new makeup, lingerie, cute tops, etc.
• Since you are technically single the point above gets you free drinks, more so than usual
• Illusion of sexual liberation
• An excuse for putting off working on an actual relationship
• Quickies for people on the go

Cons:

• You don’t have to be a good person, so you feel bad; in general, you are a human being of second quality
• Lies
• Since you don’t really know each other very well/can’t be bothered, mornings really are awkward
• Stalkers
• Fucks you up in the long run, unless you manage to stay an emotionless ice cube
• Unsatisfying and meaningless
• Contraceptives are expensive

1. This is oh so very nice. The birds are flipping out everywhere. There are 50-foot trees around the house (including palm trees). There are fishies in the little pond on the giant deck. It’s warm enough to be sitting in a t-shirt. 
2. Biology studying…well, obviously Tumblr. But technically, it’s biology. To which the environment is conducive.
3. This neighborhood looks frozen in time. Like a magical forest from a Brothers Grimm tale. See badly taken photo below. I simply can’t be bothered. 
4. The only thing on everybody’s mind is food and Gators. 
5. People here are way weird. Waaay weird (marriage proposals, anyone?). And everything is done in sloooooow motion. 
6. My life in Montreal seems so distant and hectic and gross and stupid. It’s so nice here. So stupid there. I’m getting myself into serious crap there. Getting lots of love here. And swag. New laptop? Hooolla
7. See, I’ve adopted the local creole (see #6), m’am. 
8. I forget what snow feels like. Me want to stay here, no?

Or what I did to kill the last 49 minutes of a Friday work-day

1.       Wallet

Red faux snake skin to add that little bit of fashion-victim spice. Impressive in size, it is indicative of overcompensation for lack of actual fiscal resources of any kind. Mainly contains receipts, a wrinkled fiver and a couple of condoms (not expired, yet).

2.       Virgil’s The Aenid

Attempt to create a romantic ambiance around a Second Cup filter coffee, or a metro read. Of course, it’s a library copy, because I go to libraries and sit there, reading, wearing big glasses, thick sweaters and loose braids. Obviously.

3.   Descartes’ Meditations, Objections and Replies

If the Aenid did not convince you of the pretentious hipster intellectual get-up, this should. Being a purchased copy, it suggests a certain taking with philosophy and/or waste of time on incomprehensible intellectual pursuits, which, in my case, lead nowhere.

4. Foundation and lipgloss

Bad skin and chewed lips.

5.     Faux-leather bound agenda

Create an illusion of meaning in an arbitrarily chaotic existence. The pleasant poop-brown of the cover makes the task of writing down things you never accomplish anyway, that much more pleasant.

6.  Little black Moleskine

Oh look, I’m in college! Look I write in pretty cursive and flowy ink! Look, I have thoughts and feeling of incomprehensible depth! Holy fuck, I am so cool, excuse me while I make out with my inner self for being so awesome.

7.       Hairbrush

The only remaining relic of the PUHUP (post-unplanned-hook-up) kit.

8.   Pencil and a pen

Allegedly, the pencil would be used to underline important passages in the literature. The pen, of course, is to allow me to write my phone number on strangers’ business cards.

9.     Plastic bottle of Diet Pepsi and a pack of gum

Fuck you, that’s a meal.

You wish you could pull off the starving neohipster intellectual femme fatale as well I do.

Also, this only took 11 minutes to compose…I am left with 60-23 minutes more of work time.

1. Lace
2. Thigh-highs; two pairs are not enough; tights in general
3. Garter belts
4. Winter-appropriate heels; two pairs are still not enough
5. Lip brushes. If I spend $40 on a lipstick, I might as well apply it properly
6. Liquid eyeliners
7. Bracelets
8. Rings
9. Nail polish
10. Curtains
11. Satin bed sheets
12. Canvases; I can’t decide if I am lacking art supplies or talent
13. Pixie lights to go on my wall

Shopping lists. Or recipe for a brothel. Sigh. 

Let’s be resolute:

1. Become a better runner in 2012; as in, run a 5K at full speed without dying
2. Publish some of my poetry
3. Seduce more of my close friends
4. Try a new food
5. Study in Switzerland
6. Get a real research position I actually enjoy
7. Shamanize on the mountain
8. Improve my French. For realsies
9. Give up coffee
10. Take more pictures
11. Sing more/dance more in public
12. See a concert
13. Help more people
14. Have an office affair
15. Paint more
16. Finish the Tarot drawings and learn how to use the cards for actual fortune telling

1. Write 5 Statements of Purpose for my exchange application. I’m tripping over the sentences. I hate On-Demand-Writing. It comes out drier than…(explicit pussy joke here)…
2. Finish the “Drink Coffee” reproduction
3. Finish the Major Arcana inking and color
4. Because let’s be real, the Minor Arcana will take me 45 more years to finish
5. Keep reading Anna Karenina
6. Watch Movies:
7. Kill Bill I & II
8. Adjustment Bureau
9. The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
10. Take family out for a Dinner and a Movie
11. Clear out the basement
12. Start my two Tumblr projects
13. Find something to do in January