You Must Be Blue

You are blue

Because I am longing for you.

And you are far,

So you must be blue.

The way mountains on the horizon

Are blue,

The way the sky

Is blue.

But we talked about the sky

It’s just scattered light.

And I am also scattered light:

I am going away to focus;

I am traversing years, 

To get to you.

So when I return,

I return a beam,

Much like the sun is a beam.

And I will light every corner of

Every room

Until I find you,

Again.

My doorbell rang, and I thought it was you.

But you already left.

You gave me one long hug and you left. You are the bigger man. That was the smartest thing you could do. You let me go, and you let me go so gently, so cleverly, it hurt. But I owe you a thank you. You’re setting me free - free of false expectation, free of false hopes, free of the pain of the broken heart that I was putting myself through. 

And I want you around forever, as a close friend, as a professional at what you do. By closing a chapter, you’ve opened an entire book, our bodies were just a preface, and I love you for that. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’ve learned a lesson and I made a friend. Thank you, baby. 

Winter is Coming

November first

I’ll start to freeze at the edges.

Winter is starting

Assault.

It’s been a thousand years,

I’ll say,

And dab some Chanel.

December first

Soul shrivels and folds,

Painted with frost.

It’s been a few years,

I’ll say,

And rub some Dior.

January first

A slowed heartbeat:

One two three four,

I’ll count, 

And pick up some Louis Vuitton.

February first

Slushy insides,

Dirty tears. 

Frozen edges expand,

Leaving fjords: 

Now try to fill them. 

I need the cold even stones of fall to soothe me now. You feel like an ulcer. I want to patch up all the holes with wet orange leafs. I want to listen to mountain streams running down the face of mountains, no more streams running down my own face. I want the cold air and the warmth of knitted things, I want early sunsets and later mornings, I want gold foliage against blue skies, I want the North, I bloom in the North, I am a child of snow, I am frozen and preserved there best. Summer’s a liar and things become clear in the fall. I want the fall of living without you. 

Rituals

Leave some water by my bed

Acknowledge that I have to breathe

Too

Carry some feathers to my bed

Remind me that I can be soft

Too

Put some honey on my lips

Rub them with brown sugar

Tell me that sometimes sweetness

Comes with cleansing.

Stroke my hair

The golden strands that burned in the sun

Remember that I’m flammable

Recall smoke makes teary eyes.

Draw a circle around my bed

This is basic space

Let me fill it

Let me fill it

And convince me

There is no space left for 

You

I’ve suffered shipwrecks

From before you were born

He Don’t

You’re the one I let stroke my hair
You’re the one I fall asleep beside
He don’t know
You’re the one I turn to
When he breaks my heart
He don’t know
You’re the one I’m texting
When he’s late and he’s playing
He don’t know
You’re the one I’m kissing
Tease me with your lip ring
He don’t know
You don’t have my heart
You don’t have my mind
But you have my body
And he don’t know

Brave

Babyboy, you’re so scared. You’re so scared it’s holding you back from telling me off and it’s making me cry. Just come through. I can take a few knocks. I’m not made out of glass. 

I am not made of violin strings, strum and rip away. 

I don’t cry because it hurt. I cry because then it hurts less. 

Babyboy, be brave and carry yourself like a man I wish you could be. Like a man I need. Stop proving my point. I liked the illusion of wanting you. The disappointment crushes me like a broken wave. 

Come through and justify all hopes, and then you’ll break my heart. The heartache is done, on my part. I’ve mourned away enough of it. There is just one last lump in my throat, and it’s waiting for the weight of your dropped words to go down. 

Go ahead, and tell me you need space. Go ahead and tell me you won’t ever want me. Tell me to leave. But instead you’re playing games with shadows - these games look silly when the light comes on. You seem so scared to trust that I want you. If you were smart you’d take what I’m giving, and you’d enjoy it, and we’d part on good terms as old friends who know how to make each other feel good. Old friends who know what warmth feels like. But you’re not the type to take me head on. You’d rather slither and weave, like a snake. You’re slippery, and I like to keep my hands clean, I won’t chase you.

Don’t love anyone who thinks you’re ordinary. You don’t trust yourself enough to allow me to make you feel extraordinary. And you are making me feel less than ordinary. You are making me feel like a fool, because you know who the real fool here is. Keep putting it off. I’ll be gone before you understand it. And I’ll give you time. And you’ll come through. And maybe in a few years, maybe when we’re both grown and our skins go from thin to thick and back around, when we learn to value what we have, when we trust we deserve the things we get, when we get to that point, I’d love to taste your arms then. But we’re not there yet. You’ll never meet a girl like me again, but that doesn’t mean you have to love me. 

Garçon

Boy

Wants to run

But he doesn’t

Know where

Or how

So he settles his stride

Hi legs aren’t really his

One step forward

A million steps back

Boy

Wants to be

God

But it’s lonely and painful

And he’s just a kid

Boy

Forgot where he was going

And grew up on the way

Running got harder

And age was weighting him down

Like sandbags on shoulders

Boy

Can only crawl now

Seems he was going backward

All of this time

And someone turned off

The music

And only the buzzing of bees

And an occasional fly