Rose Gold

I have imagined

A world emptied of you

And little would change:

We are all little, after

All.

In a world emptied of you

I would feel hollow

I would wrap my fingers in bands

Thin and fragile

Of rose gold

And listen to the gurgle of

Spring springs in gardens

Of hanging trees, dreams and 

Moaning wind. 

I will moan with it

At the immeasurable

Loss

Of a world, emptied,

Of you. 

Thoughts

He’s going to fuck someone at Fairmont Lake Louise but it won’t be me.

He is going to break my heart. Maybe I’ll get to break his.

He asked if Russians look for love.

He calls me lonely.

He calls me beautiful.

He drives me around.

He gives great head.

He has holes in his brain from years on speed.

I had a typo in my company address.

I think I’m going to be fired soon. I hope not.

I’m so tired.

I’ve never fucked an Irish man.

Someone next door is having sex.

Sometimes he’ll pick me up over lunch break and have me for lunch.

Sometimes I feel like I’m in a still frame movie and things move past me.

I’m cold.

I got a haircut and bangs and shit.

Yes, he’s right, I’m lonely and I just need to be held. But he knows that. I want him to come here and prove that he knows.

Tube

I see it in your name
Some things have lost
Their meaning.
(And I no longer breathe
The oxygen you feed me
I took that away
I made it all mine.)
I bet
I could see it in your eyes
If I could
Only see you.
I don’t breathe for your breath
I don’t hold my breath
When you open your mouth….
I think I want
To leave.
I think this is it:
My stop.
Mind
The gap.

Fiction

Party girls don’t get hurt, we have no hearts, no hearts at all.

"If I let you in, you’ll tear me apart"

Keep saying that and you’ll make me want it more.

I look at you and I watch you. You talk just like him. I miss him, but not when I’m with you. So I’m with you, I’m with you every night, because it makes me miss him less.

Sun is up and I’m a mess, I get out sore from a bed I don’t recognize, I stumble over to the window and inhale lungs full of morning cold. I hurt but I’m icing the bruises, can you hear me, all the way from the West, can you hear me when I ice my bruises, do you hear the soft sighs and the blues and purples. Do the winds go that far?

And there is no ‘you’, there is no one to come back to, no one to miss, you live in my head, and you live in his body when he tilts his head the way you used to. I have terrible memory here, maybe I smoke too much and drink too much coffee and don’t sleep enough, but I can’t remember, there is no continuity, there is only fiction of every day standing alone, nothing has happened before, nothing will happen after. And I don’t remember. 

I don’t remember so every time I see him it’s new to me. He calls me his lover. He calls this a love affair. I ask him to hurt me, gently, to hold me and call me his baby because that’s all I am, I’m just a little kid with a lot of weight on my shoulders. I carry self-awareness like a cross, and I wear psychology thorns around my forehead, we’re all prophets, but almost all of us are false. Fiction. 

We’re not together, that is non fiction. That’s real life. But I won’t remember this tomorrow. This pain will go away, unless I listen to the XX again. Whenever I think about your face I can’t find a reason to be sad, because I don’t know what I see, I can’t put it into words, and the worst is that you feel none of this. You have your own demons and they want their very own pounds of flesh, you have ghosts too, and they haunt you. It’s a chain of weak links. 

It’s okay, I won’t remember this tomorrow unless I re-read this, and I won’t re-read this. There are holes in my brain and I’m too tired to sew them shut, my eyelids are heavier than guilt. 

I can make him fall in love, you guys, it’s so easy, it’s a few coy smiles, a few acts of kindness and a few little lies.

I watch him talk and I see someone else, making love to him through you, this is so odd, what does it mean.

This is how I am, nails too long to type, too sharp to touch and a mouth to feed, a mouth that twists when you come across my brain like a thunderous cloud that never claps, show me love, show me love, I’ve never seen it, I get down to the beats, I let them enter form my fingertips and run in ripples through my body, drops in the ocean, drops in the ocean, take me underground, take me to the rawness, throw me in the flames, I’m stuck on a giant Ferris wheel, how do I get off, hey excuse me, how do I get off, you’ve got your hand on the button now, press the trigger, maybe something will finally change around here, and I think, show me love, I want to get knifed, then maybe something will change around here, blood on my hands that I don’t wash off for show, they’ll be bigger when I’m small, the party and the afterparty, I’m somewhere right after, I’m a big girl and you keep saying it’s my world, you keep saying the things that earn you my mouth that twists when you come around.